


My One and Only

by pinkvinyls



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV Alternating, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23116393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkvinyls/pseuds/pinkvinyls
Summary: On a wayward mission close to Konoha's borders, Sasuke stumbles upon something he wishes he had never seen. Something that shakes up his world and forces him to face the consequences of his desertation and all the feelings he had denied over the years.Not for the first time he wonders, if he had stayed, maybe Naruto would have never been hurt like this.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 10
Kudos: 246





	My One and Only

A few rays of moonlight shone through the dense canopy of the old forest and illuminated the broken branches that laid on the damaged earth. Sasuke turned around and saw more and more signs of a rough battle. But he couldn’t sense the presence of any chakra other than his own and so he continued on his way through the forest. He neither had the time nor the interest to investigate what must have been nothing else but an unimpressive fight. He had a mission to complete. 

But missions as easy as this one had the annoying habit of keeping his mind unoccupied and susceptible to thoughts that he would much rather suppress into the deepest, impenetrable depths of his soul. And so frustration bubbled to the surface and fueled the ever simmering anger within. Sasuke was sick of playing Orochimaru’s lackey and he was sure he was just as impatient for the day of the reincarnation as him. His stay at his lair was long overdue, he had gotten what he wanted from Orochimaru and now it was time to do the world a favor and get rid of him. He was ready to face his brother for one final fight to end it all. The only thing left to do was to build a team and he had already chosen his teammates very carefully. Everything was planned, he just had to wait for the right moment. Until then, all he could do was to fulfill mission after mission.

The further he went, the more agitated he became. He hated it whenever his mission took him to the Fire Nation, whenever he was forced to get even in the vicinity of the town surrounding Konoha. There couldn't possibly be enough distance between him and that wretched village. Too many memories awaited him there… too many people, when even one was more than enough. 

Sasuke picked up on speed and focused all his attention on the road ahead, willing himself to forgo his inner turmoil. And just as he was about to succeed, he sensed something all too familiar not too far away. He came to a halt and furrowed his brows as he concentrated on locating the low chakra source. After jumping down from the branch, Sasuke started to walk, an alarming sense of wrong caused trepidation and slowed his movement. He wanted to stop and turn around and never look back. He wanted to escape whatever awaited him. He wanted to, but he could not and so he carried on, every step bitter and heavy. 

A low and quite groan of pain echoed through the forest, deep and glutaral like a wounded animal. It made something within Sasuke tighten and close up, restricting him even further. He closed his eyes for a short, painful moment and opened them again, not quite ready to face what awaited him but left with no other option than to carry on.

After a few steps towards the source of that sound, he was able to see and make certain of his suspicion. A bundle of blond but matted and dirty hair, tan but marred skin, orange but bloody clothes. A body curled into itself, weak and hiding, seeking comfort the only way lonely people knew how. Bile came up his throat, but he simply swallowed it down again. Unbridled images of the Village of End came to his mind, heavy and cold rain and the slowly setting sun. The vanishing light on Naruto’s unusually pale skin, his body so unmoving and still, when he had only ever seen him move and never stand still. The hole in his orange jumpsuit, where his lung laid beneath. The warmth of flesh and blood around his arm, it was all too much and Sasuke could only clench his eyes shut and will those sensations that filled him with a sense of wrong ( _ guilt _ ) as far away as he could into the recesses of his mind. 

Sasuke’s body moved towards him without his consent, driven forward by something deep within him. He kneeled down and carefully touched him on his shoulder. Naruto flinched away from his touch and hissed in pain. Then, he finally lifted his head and turned his burning gaze on Sasuke.

“Have you come to finish the job?” his voice was hoarse and stretched thin, weak and low, but there was a bite to it. An angry bitterness, something dangerously close to resignation. “You will never have it easier and that's what you want, right? The easy and fast way, the shortest path to your goal? Well, I’m offering it to you.” Naruto smiled at him, lips torn and bloody. His eyes shone with unshed tears, blue eyes glinting in the weak moon light.

“Stop talking and reserve some of your left strength. You have become delirious with pain,” Sasuke replied, voice void of anything he felt, steady and strong. 

“Delirious with pain!” Naruto laughed and immediately coughed up blood. “I have never been more clear. Never have been this honest either, Sasuke-teme.” He crawled up into a sitting position, using the tree behind him to lean on it.

“You never had to be honest with me, Naruto. I could always see behind the ever smiling mask. You never were able to deceive me, not like the others. I know your most private thoughts, your fears, your anger. I know everything about you. I know  _ you.” _ Sasuke reached into his pocket and took out some of his spare medical equipment. His trust for Orochimaru and his henchmen was nonexistent, so he taught himself enough to take care of most of his injuries. After he was done preparing the bandages, he reached out to treat the deep cut on his forehead, but Naruto swatted his hand away. 

“Why are you doing this?” Naruto asked quietly with a weak tremor, eyes cast down, not wanting to meet his. Sasuke gazed into his eyes, face unmoving and cold. He didn’t know if he should answer or not. He didn’t even know what to say, until he did.

“My body moved on its own,” he whispered and tried once again to treat his wounds. This time, Naruto allowed him to do so as he watched him with clear hurt on his face. Sasuke saw the way his lips quivered and his eyes shut tightly close, he was desperately trying to keep his emotions in but failing miserably. He averted his gaze and allowed Naruto a moment of privacy to regain himself.

Sasuke was done treating his face and began to remove the tattered jacket. Bruises and cuts were revealed. No skin was left unmarked. There were distinct handprints around his throat, rope burns on his wrists and bitemarks on his shoulder and neck. Sasuke pulled back and grimaced. The urge to vomit that settled over him was hard to suppress, but he succeeded. No, it just couldn’t be possible. Not him, not Naruto. This was too evil, too disgusting. Who could do something like this? Who tore down the walls that surrounded Naruto like a second skin with such unprecedented violence? Who could have brought Naruto so low?

A sudden anger coursed through him. He balled his fists, clenched his jaw and cursed. However, as he directed his gaze on Naruto once again, his anger was not as consuming and overwhelming as before. He gently cupped Naruto’s face and felt him softly leaning on his hand, worn down by bone deep exhaustion.

“Who did this to you?” Sasuke implored, this time he could not withhold the pain in his voice.

Naruto turned his head away from his hand and lowered his eyes, tears running down his face. His shoulders started to shake and he began to breathe so harshly that he wasn’t getting any air at all. Sasuke seized him by his shoulders and forced Naruto to look up at him. He grabbed Naruto’s head and came closer to his face.

“Look at me. I’m here. Nothing can happen now. Not with me next to you.” A pause. “You are safe now.” He repeated the last sentence again and again until Naruto calmed down. 

“Just  _ please, _ don’t ask me anything,” Naruto said gravely, as he stared into his eyes. “I will not answer.”

“Fine,” Sasuke replied and remained silent as he treated the injuries on his upper body. When he was done, he helped Naruto put on his jacket. His gaze fell to his legs and he saw blood seeping into his pants. He frowned and lowered his head in thought. “Naruto, I need to remove your pants, you are still bleeding.”

“Do it,” Naruto grunted as he lifted his hips up from the ground. Sasuke worked fast and pulled down the torn pants. He tried to solely focus on treating the wounds and refused to even think about how they had been inflicted on him. He was as careful as he could be, but without any anesthesia, it was doomed to hurt. So he listened to the hisses, the groans and gritted his teeth against the ever growing need for vengeance. 

“What will you do now?” Sasuke asked as he was finishing up the last bandage. 

“I don’t…” he started. “I don’t know. Go home? What other option do I have?”

“Come with me,” Sasuke declared and regretted it immediately. 

“How could I ever? How could I watch you be used as a pawn by that monster? How could I Ieave my friends behind?” There was no conviction behind his words. They sounded empty and weak, so unlike anything Naruto stood for. It would be possible to convince him, but Sasuke decided against it. In the end, Naruto would only hold him back. As much as it pained him, he had to let him go once again.

“Then I will return you to your home and you will take care of the rest. Do you have someone to look after your wounds? To change the bandages?”

“I heal pretty fast. There is no need for that.” Naruto lowered his gaze to his hands, they laid open in his lap. Small cuts adorning his fingers. He held up his hands. “They will be gone by tomorrow.”

“Don’t be stupid. You have to confide someone in.”

Naruto grabbed him by his collar. “No one but you will know about this, Sasuke.” His gaze burned with anger and resolution. “No one. Promise me!” Sasuke could see the shame clearly, the flare of self-hatred in Naruto’s face. It made him sick to his stomach. Of course, he would blame himself and not whoever had done this to him. He had spent all his life trying to direct the contempt for the villagers for his mistreatment inwards against his own self. He had learned to swallow any kind of justified anger and hatred down and let it all fester inside himself. Someday it would surely destroy him from within. For Naruto, his strongest and most important virtue was suffering for the sake of others. The perfect embodiment of self sacrifice.

“I will remain silent.” Sasuke stood up and looked down at Naruto’s hunching form, still pulled into himself. Still hiding and suffering in silence. 

“This never happened,” Naruto declared suddenly, despair clinging to his every word. “We will never speak about this. I will let you go now, I will not chase after you this time. But when you’re gone and this night is over, everything will be as it once was.” 

Naruto tried to stand up on his own and cried out in pain, falling back on the ground. “Fuck,” he exclaimed and began to pull at his own hair. Sasuke grabbed his hands and detangled his fingers from his hair. 

“Don’t do this to yourself. You’re stronger than this, Naruto,” Sasuke crouched down and put his arms under Naruto’s arms and legs. “And your body is in no condition to walk. As I’ve said, I will return you home and disappear.” 

Naruto remained silent and let himself be carried. Sasuke felt the tension leave his body as Naruto rested his head against his chest, close to where he could hear his heartbeat. He felt the sudden urge to run his fingers through his blonde hair, but he resisted and instead jumped onto a branch, starting his journey back into the village he had never wanted to set a foot back into. Every step forward was painful, it felt as though he was walking against a magnetic force pushing him away from the village. It was so wrong, so fucking wrong, but as soon as he felt the body in his arm shift, he knew he could not give into the need to turn around and disappear back into the darkness of the forest. 

Once Sasuke reached the wall surrounding Konoha, he came to a halt. Orochimaru had taught him countless ways of entering into highly surveilled places without ever getting noticed, how to become almost invisible, inaudible, a ghost to the outer world. And he had used that ability countless times over the years. He made his way into the village and it was disturbingly easy to reach Naruto’s rundown apartment and even easier to break into it. 

Nothing had changed, Sasuke noted dully. Still living in utter chaos. Empty ramen cups piling on the kitchen table, clothes thrown on the ground, trash can overflowing with junk, bed unmade. It filled him with such a strong sense of deja vu that he had to take a step back. He walked up to the bed and laid Naruto down. He had been strangely quiet the whole time, barely moving, but he had not fallen asleep once, carefully assessing everything he saw. Naruto began to shiver the moment his body rested on the mattress. It was miserable to watch, so Sasuke took the heavy and disheveled blanket at the end of the bed and covered him with it.

The shivering didn’t stop, at all. 

It only got worse and he genuinely didn’t know what to do. Sasuke had never comforted anyone before and he could barely remember how comfort felt, memories locked tightly away. He just wanted to go, to run away from this situation, complete his mission and fucking return to Otogakure and get as far away from this cursed place as possible. But he couldn’t and he hated his inability to leave him behind with a passion. He had done it once, not even knowing if he would survive, bleeding and in pain, so why couldn't he do it now? Knowing that he will survive and even after having taken care of him, what was holding him back?

He crouched down next to Naruto’s head and gently caressed his wet cheek. Neither of them said a word, they only stared at each other, both of them barely able to comprehend what was happening. 

“I don’t understand you, Sasuke,” Naruto whispered, brows furrowing, “Why are doing this? You will leave anyway, why do this then?” He looked pained, so utterly agonized by his own words. 

“There have always been a lot of things you don’t understand, deadlast,” he replied, withdrawing his hand and standing up. As he was turning around, Naruto grabbed his arm, his grip weak, but persistent. 

“Don’t go yet. Stay with me for awhile,” Naruto pleaded, softly, barely audible with no vigor in his voice. 

“Remember our deal. I keep my silence and you let me go without any fuss,” Sasuke said, removing the hand on his arm. Naruto turned his face away from him and clenched his jaw, eyes staring off into the distance. He reeked of fear now, it was seeping out of his pores. Sasuke noticed it all and a slow burn rose within him, the old familiar anger showing its face again. He had to find out who was behind this. There was someone else now deserving of death and he would make sure to deliver it to him. 

Sasuke sat down on the bed and leaned over him, keeping himself up on his arms, hands next to Naruto’s head. “Who did this to you? Tell me.” Their faces were almost touching. Sasuke felt the heat of Naruto’s breath on his skin, how slow and arduous his breathing had become. 

“What is it to you anyway? Soon your body will belong to that monster and nothing of you will be left. You won’t be able to do anything anymore.” Naruto hissed, touching their foreheads together. “You will just cease to exist.” He whispered the last words with his eyes closed. “Just the way you disappeared in that valley.”

“Do you think I would ever let that happen? Have some trust in my capabilities. I have it all planned down to the smallest detail. I’m not that easy to take down. Don’t waste your time worrying over me. Train harder, grow stronger. Become as invincible as you can,” he appealed. “Now, tell me.”

“I can’t,” Naruto keened and moved his head back, exposing his neck in full view. The colorful and vivid bruises that marred his skin made something in his guts crawl. Sasuke wanted to push further, to push and push until Naruto revealed the identity of his assailant. But under that much pressure, Naruto was sure to crumble. He was still in pain, raw and exposed in a way no one should have to be. He was too vulnerable like this and Sasuke couldn’t take it any longer.

He stood up, surprising Naruto with his speed, and headed towards the door. His hand engulfed the doorknob.

“I think I will never feel safe again.”

Sasuke cursed under his breath and gritted his teeth.  _ God, damn it. _ He turned around and leaned against the door, turning his gaze on him. “I will stay with you until you fall asleep. I’ll keep you safe.” He took off his robe and threw it over a chair. With a sigh, he went to the bed and lied down next to Naruto, allowing him to rest right next to his body. 

A snort interrupted the silence and Sasuke, puzzled, looked at him. “I can’t believe this is happening. I must be imagining things. I’m probably unconscious and bleeding to death in that forest.”

Sasuke ignored him and settled deeper into the mattress, allowing himself to relax for a moment. He clasped his hands behind his head and leaned back against it. Naruto shuffled closer and laid his head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat once again. Sasuke allowed this and even draped his arm around Naruto. 

They had been in this position only once before, many years back, when they had both been younger and more naive. It had been the worst storm in years, thunder and flashes never once letting the night sky rest. They had been teammates for only a few weeks, but had known each other way longer. It was the only other night he had made an exception like this. They had just come back from a mission and Sasuke had watched Naruto keenly. He had been unusually quiet and withdrawn, flinching just the tiniest bit whenever the sky thundered above. When the time had come to separate, Sasuke had immediately noticed that Naruto was tailing him and he had allowed it, remembering how his mother used to tell him time and time again that the storm could not harm him and knowing that no one had done the same for Naruto. He had let him take refuge in his home, right next to him in his bed and they had both known to keep quiet about it for the rest of their lives.

A hand grasped tightly at his shirt and Sasuke lowered his head to watch Naruto. “Do you have any painkillers?” he asked after seeing his face contorted in pain.

“No,” Naruto whispered back. “I don’t need them anyway.” Sasuke raised a brow at him and sighed, but it was futile to try to change his mind. Naruto was still shaking and sweating. He raised his arm and laid his hand on his forehead, relieved to find out that he wasn’t at least burning high with fever. However, he noticed the short, but distinct relief in Naruto’s face who leaned further into his hand, seeking comfort in his touch. It made him hiss as realization dawned on him. That he would still seek comfort from someone like him… He knew he shouldn’t feel that old residual warmth of days long gone by tingling inside him again, his heart should not beat faster and breathing should not become harder. He shouldn’t  _ feel  _ this way, but Naruto always made him weak and susceptible to emotions he had long buried away along with the bodies of his family. Sasuke also knew that he had to stand up and go, that he could not allow Naruto to depend on him, he would be gone by tomorrow anyway. In the end, he stayed. 

Naruto nuzzled into his shirt and took a deep breath, before turning his face and directing his eyes to the ceiling. “I-,” he began and bit into his lip. “I can’t tell you who it was, because I-” He clenched his eyes shut and brought his fist to his mouth, gnawing at his skin. “I don’t know who it was. I can’t recall. It’s all so blurry.”

Sasuke breathed out slowly. Uncertainty, doubt, disbelief were the only feelings he was able to feel for a long time. Everything in him had resisted acknowledging just what had transpired on that night. He had convinced himself that it had been a cruel genjutsu, he had wanted to believe anything except the truth. Anything but his kin being butchered by his own brother like cattle for a little bit power. “That… can happen.” 

Naruto furrowed his brows and stared at him with wide open eyes, his gaze burning a hole into him. He sighed when nothing else came from Sasuke and withdrew into himself. “I’m tired,” he muttered into his skin and closed his eyes. 

Sasuke didn’t move an inch as he waited for Naruto to fall asleep. He waited and waited, watched as Naruto’s breathing evened out and his body relaxed into the mattress. He seemed tired enough to sleep without any dreams tormenting him. One merciful night, followed by ones filled with inescapable nightmares. It was something Sasuke knew intimately. His eyes landed on Naruto’s long lashes that rested on his cheeks, down to his to his high cheek bones and soft lips. He saw the raised and bruised skin around his left eye, the scratches on his cheek and the red tears on his lips. Worst of all, he just couldn’t take his eyes of the ugly handprint on Naruto’s throat and those vicious bite marks, they were the signs that spoke the truth of what had happened. Someone had violated Naruto and Sasuke was going to find him and kill him in the most painful way possible, he was, after all, Orochimaru’s pupil.

* * *

  
  
  


Pain. Everything was painful. There was no part of his body that Naruto wasn't aware of. Every breath he took, that pushed his chest up and down, forcing his body to move, hurt. A pulsing heat covered his left eye which was seemingly swollen shut. Salvia had collected in his mouth and he was forced to swallow it down, it burned its way down, his throat raw and wounded. 

A lump formed in his throat and without a warning, it travelled all the way up and broke away from his body as a gut wrenching sob. But before he could make another sound, before he could once again give in to the weakness that clung to skin like sweat, he balled his hand into a fist and bit into his flesh, so deeply that the taste of copper spread in his mouth. He rolled to the side and moved up from the bed, sitting at the edge and fighting off the rising vertigo that made his head spin and his stomach churn. 

Pain spiked up his back and made him grunt. He bit his lip and stood up slowly, leaning on the wall to gain a stronger foothold. He slowly made his way into the bathroom, stumbling into the shower and starting the water without having removed any of his torn clothing, not mindful of the many bandages clinging to his wounded skin. As water seeped into his clothes, Naruto slid down the tiled wall, settling on the ground of the shower, knees drawn to his chest and arms slung over his legs. The water soon became warm and soothed his tensed muscles, while it also worsened the burning pain of his injuries. His eyes glazed over and began to sting as he stared at nothing at all.

Naruto didn’t want to think, he wanted his mind to be empty and void of any voice, for once in his life he wanted silence and apathy. He was fighting off his own thoughts with the desperation of a haunted prey, wild and futile, doomed to fail. If he could just wash them away as easily as the grime on his skin, if only he could rid himself of the unbridled images, the sensation of pain and touch, if he could only remove it all from his mind, maybe he could breathe again then.

Stretching his legs out, Naruto turned his face to the ceiling and allowed the stream of water to wash over his face. A few moments passed before he moved again and began to carefully undress, trying not to pay attention to his own skin. 

Naruto didn’t know how much time he spent in the shower, how long he rubbed his skin raw, but when he stepped out, the sun had almost risen to its zenith. His gaze drifted away from the window to the clock at his bedside. He sighed and made his way to his bed, lying down and throwing his blanket over his body, pulling it up so far that everything of him was covered. Since he was already late to training, he might as well just stay in for the day. There was no strength nor any will to train anyway. He wanted to do nothing, to see nothing, to stay away from everything that might await him outside. So he closed his eyes and didn’t move at all.

* * *

  
  
  


There was something crawling inside Naruto, pushing against his skin in an attempt to break free from him, regardless of the damage it would cause. It just wanted out, as fast as possible. It bit and scratched and raged against the inner surface of his skin, but it never ruptured it. It was never strong enough for that, but also never weak enough for him not to be conscious of it. It made him sick to his stomach, made an empty ache bloom in his thorax and push against his lungs. Most of all, it just tired him out. 

Naruto knew it was fear. He knew that he was afraid. Afraid of the shapeless shadows outside, of the dark that stole his vision, of any uncertainty and there was so much of it,  _ so much.  _ It was driving him mad. It made it so difficult to pretend to the outside world that everything was fine. That his bravado was intact and his pride untouched. That he was the same person as before. But he wasn't and he was beginning to fear that he would never be again. 

The old familiar sense of mistrust that had accompanied him throughout his childhood was back with a vengeance. He was once again hyper aware of all the hateful eyes directed at him and the ugly whispers that he had long learned to drown out. It was all back and he wondered how he had been able to ignore it the past few years. How had he learned to walk these streets without fear and anger, to live in a town full of people that wanted to see him punished for something out of his control? There were still villagers out there who wanted him  _ dead, _ even after him having risked his life again and again for them. It all felt so meaningless. And he didn't know how he was supposed to get himself out of this stupor. 

All he could do was to put up a show for Sakura and Kakashi-Sensei and hope that they were buying it. After only a few days, he could tell that Sakura was already growing suspicious, he felt her eyes on him, knew that she was watching him keenly, but he also knew that she would never be able to figure out the shameful truth. That thought offered him what little comfort he could feel. At least he would not lose her respect, like he had lost his own. She would never know how weak he had been, how utterly defenseless and, most importantly, her heart would not be broken by the ugly truth. The best option for everyone was for him to keep shut about what had happened to him. There wasn’t much that he could tell, anyway. Only one thing, one that he dared not even voice to himself for fear what it would do the last of his faith in this village.

* * *

  
  
  


“Naruto!”, Sakura shouted, running up to him from her training field. She slowed down once she was close and kneeled down next to him, under the cool shadow of an old tree that he was leaning against. 

Naruto gave her a small smile and tapped on the ground next to him. She smiled back and sat there. “So what did you want to say, Sakura?” 

She turned her face to the side and watched as Sai and Yamato-Sensei spared under Kakashi’s supervision, without paying them any real attention, still concentrated on him. 

He turned to her, his smile gone. “What is it?”

“I’ve never seen you take so many breaks during training, most of the time you even refuse to sit down and keep on until you collapse on the ground. I always have to force you, but not anymore, it seems.” She was almost whispering, voice silent and mellow, so unlike the way she usually talked to him. She was being too soft on him, treating him like a wounded animal. He found her worry bothersome to some degree and that bothered him. She was just trying to be kind, to be a good friend to him and he was able to turn even that warm, sweet motion sour and bitter. And now that she had asked another of her smart and intuitive questions, he had to find a lie just as good as her question.

“Your concern for me is very flattering, are you coming onto me?” He smiled at her and already duck a little away from her, knowing that he had earned himself a hefty hit on his arm.

But she did not do that, her forehead creased, and she dropped her gaze to the ground. “Why won’t you talk to me? You can trust me, Naruto! You can tell me what’s been bothering you the last few days. I’m your best friend, your teammate! If you can’t even talk to me, who else will you open up to?”

Naruto sighed and turned his face away from her, not wanting to see her sad face anymore. He felt tired once again, gravity seemed to pull him down with even more vigor, it was hard to keep his back straight, to lift his head. And he didn’t even know whether it was the anger, the fear or the shame that had taken hold over him in that moment.

Before he could answer, Kakashi called for them with a voice that allowed no disobedience, so they stood up and rushed over to him, their conversation finished before it could really start and he couldn’t be more thankful for that. 

* * *

  
  
  


The air in Tsunade’s office felt stale and humid to him and the sunlight was shining directly into the office. It made the room all the more oppressive. Naruto was flanked by Sakura and Kakashi, standing across from Tsunade and Jiraiya. It made him nervous to see them both again, he had been avoiding them, not knowing how he was supposed to face them and keep it all together. He had so many questions, so much doubt in him and he knew that he could never let that be known. They could only ever know Naruto, the happy fool, the naive dreamer, the loyal soldier with no real doubt, no anger and no fear. All the things he used to be. 

“So, baachan, why are we here? You got a cool mission for us?”, he asked, keeping his voice loud and boisterous and his smile big and bright, arms crossed behind his neck.

Tsunade sighed and furrowed her brows, leaning back into her chair and folding her arms under her chest. She appeared to be deep in thought, so it was really something serious.

“Sasuke killed Orochimaru.”

Naruto took a step back and took a deep breath. His heart started racing and he could feel his pulse in his ears.  _ So he had succeeded…  _

“And now he is headed to Itachi.”

He raised his head and stared at Tsunade. “Alone? That’s too dangerous!”

“We don’t know that for sure.”

“Weren’t you planning on sending a team to look for Akatsuki anyway? Send us! Itachi is also our enemy, let us find him before Sasuke does!”

“That’s exactly what I have in mind,” Tsunade replied, she let her gaze wander to Jiraiya, who was standing right next to her.

“Team 7 alone will not suffice for a mission of such a high rank. You will work with team 8 under Kakashi and Yamato’s command,” Jiraiya was looking only at him, probably trying to gauge his reaction. He seemed worried and he was right in his assertion.

“What it is our official mission?” Sakura asked, just as agitated as him.

“To kill Itachi Uchiha and retrieve Sasuke Uchiha.”

* * *

  
  
  


Standing at the gate of Konoha, Naruto turned his face to the sky and felt the heavy rain glide over his skin. The relief he felt be out of his home town should shock him, devastate him or at least cause even an ounce of worry in him, but all he truly felt was relief and the need to get even further away. 

He barely listened to the others talk. Kakashi was complaining about the weather and Kiba made another snide, but still friendly comment about him, but Naruto was not in the state of mind to pay them any real attention. He could only think of Sasuke. He had never allowed himself to think of that horrible night, too afraid of the pain it would bring. Whenever he was faced with emotions too strong to face, he just repressed them with no mercy. 

But Sasuke had been kind to him, he had taken care of him, he had shown him a side that everyone had either believed to be lost or never even existent. Sometimes Naruto still found it hard to believe, but then he remembered the bandages and the faint scent of Sasuke that still lingered in his room, offering him a little solace. Sasuke was the last and only person now that made him feel safe and Naruto was slowly dying without it. He needed to see him again or he feared he would truly go mad. 

Tsunade and Jiraiya said their farewells and Kakashi gave them the command to start their journey.

* * *

  
  
  


Since he was the jinchuuriki, the thing Itachi and his organisation were hunting, he was paired with Yamato and Hinata, so that they may watch over him and make sure that no harm came to him, while the others were on their own. The village could not afford to lose their most important weapon that kept the other villages from attacking Konoha. It was suffocating and also inevitable. He wanted to separate from them, to be away from them all and look for Sasuke on his own. To have only one moment alone with him, just one, where he could maybe allow himself to rest. But it was impossible, Yamato’s wood would cage him before he could escape from under their watch. 

As Naruto went through the streets, searching painstakingly for a hint of that familiar chakra, he wondered in what kind of state Sasuke was, so close now to fulfilling the goal that gave his life meaning and drove him to abandon everything else. Was he resolute without even an ounce of doubt in his capabilities? Was he afraid of failing? Was he constantly working through his past, reminding himself off all he lost and subjecting himself to all that pain, so that he may not distract himself? 

Naruto wished he could understand him, but Sasuke was right. He had never had any family and, thus, had never experienced such a loss. He could only wonder and guess, but, ultimately, that would never be enough, he knew that now.

* * *

  
  
  


His team was the last to reach the place where the enormous explosion had taken place. Naruto made his way to the edge of the hole that the bomb had created and looked down at the crater. Stopping next to Kiba, he waited for him to tell them of any tails he had sniffed out. Kiba succeeded and soon began to run east, calling for the rest of the team to follow. 

They made their way through the forest, never once stopping. A few hours passed and they were still racing eastwards on branches. But then, Kiba suddenly slowed down and started to curse.

“Sasuke’s scent is everywhere, it spreads in every direction. I can’t tell apart the right one, They must have sensed us!”

“But how?” Naruto asked, growing impatient with every second they spend moving without any real direction.

“One of his companions must have smelled us out,” Kakashi replied, letting his gaze move around. “He could be headed anywhere now.”

“Then I will follow him,” Naruto declared, already concentrating enough chakra to form a few hundred Kage bunshin. He send them out in every direction and chose one himself and he was  _ finally  _ on his own. 

When he had put a decent amount of distance between himself and the rest of his team, he slowed down and concentrated on his surroundings, noticing a chakra that was similar to Sasuke’s, but yet not quite his. He hid behind a tree and focused on the dark shadows. His eyes widened as he was able to finally see something. The Sharingan stared back at him and Naruto could only curse his luck. 

“There’s no need for hiding, Naruto,” Itachi’s polite and somber voice rang through the forest. It made him sick just to hear his voice. He was never quite able to forget the first time they had met. What he had put Sasuke through again, only a monster could do that. Beat and humiliate and torture and take without stopping. Naruto sometimes wondered if Sasuke would have still left, had they not met that day.

Naruto slowly walked to the clearing, where Itachi was standing, and kept his head low, knowing that he was too weak to do anything against him all alone. But he wanted to stare into his eyes, see for himself the monster that had hurt Sasuke so, but that would be pointless. Just a futile attempt to make a psychopath like him feel shame for his misdeeds. 

“Have you come to take me?” Naruto asked, hands balled into fists. There was a slight tremble in his hands, residue from the fear within. He didn’t want his end to be the self fulfilling prophecy of a jinchuriki. Fate could not win over him, it could not take away his life again and force him to be nothing else but a weapon for everyone else to use. Images of Gaara sprang into his mind, lifeless and cold, treated as nothing but an empty and worthless vessel by Akatsuki. 

“Not today,” Itachi replied, taking a small step towards him. 

“Then why are you here?” he whispered, taking a step back. 

“I could ask you the same, but I already know the answer. Could you please tell me why you are still so obsessed with my brother? He’s a missing nin. He deserted Konoha and left all his comrades behind.”

“Have you not lost the right to call him that?” Naruto contoured, losing patience. Itachi was wasting his time and worsening his chances of ever finding Sasuke. “He’s more than what you think of him. So much more. No matter how hard you try to hone him into this perfect assassin, he’s still kind, still human. You will never be able to take that from him. There’s more to him than just anger and hatred.”

Itachi stared at him, growing more and more fascinated with each word he said. “How can you be so sure? What if he ends up betraying the village you love so much?”

“You don’t know me, Itachi,” he said, turning his face to the side, a bitter smile gracing his lips. “No one but Sasuke does.”

“My brother sure does have a devoted friend in you,” Itachi sounded amused. Naruto wanted to lift his head and look at his face, but kept himself from doing so. It was too risky. “But his devotion is not as secure as yours.” 

With these words Itachi signed a jutsu that he could not identify and crows started to fly towards him, secluding his view. One of them attacked and pried his mouth open, tearing wounds into his lips and forcing its way into his throat. Naruto fell to the ground and packed his own throat, suffocating and fighting the urge to vomit. Tears sprang to his eyes and his vision became even more unfocused. He felt wild in that moment, unhinged and out of control. He could think of no way of way to save himself and panic made him all the more desperate. 

He was clawing at his throat, tearing his skin apart, and just as he was at the brink of falling unconscious, the crow vanished and he could finally breathe. Naruto grabbed a shuriken from his bag and held onto it, he raised his head sharply and looked around, finding no trace of Itachi and after staring for another few seconds, he allowed himself to relax and caved into himself, still hyperventilating. 

Disgust made bile rise up and aggregate his already irritated throat. He buried his hands in his hair and pulled at it, trying everything to suppress the memories that wanted to surface. He could not allow himself to feel and hear what he had that night. He could not bear, could not survive it another time. The powerlessness he had felt then had been so similar. It tore away at his soul, it robbed him of the very marrow of his bone, leaving him empty and aching, not able to fill that void ever again. 

Naruto heard steps in the distance and knew that the rest of his team was catching up to him. There was no time for another panic attack, he had to pull himself together and act like nothing had happened. So he stood up and made sure that his collar covered his marred skin. Hiding wounds had become second nature.

* * *

  
  
  


Naruto was close to screaming. He had never felt such frustration, such rage. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong and now they had to deal with another one of those Akatsuki bastards with no intel on his abilities. The masked man was goading them, provoking and rude with his childish antics, he didn’t take them serious and he made sure that his opponents knew. 

And so they fought and fought with no end in sight, wasting precious and crucial time. Naruto just wanted to up and leave the fight, but the masked man wouldn’t let him and he was here, fighting a meaningless battle, while Sasuke was out there, maybe already fighting his brother, maybe already in danger. 

After another series of failed attacks, a plant began to grow from the branch the masked man was standing on and it revealed itself to be a talking and sentient freak of nature.

“Sasuke has finally killed Itachi, but he’s in a rough state. The battle did a number on him,” it spoke, voice eerie and inconstant.

Naruto heard Sakura’s shocked gasp and could clearly see her disbelief. He furrowed his brows and narrowed his eyes at the masked man, who had completely changed his demeanor, standing still and emitting an intimidating aura befitting of someone who was a member of Akatsuki. 

“I will deal with you at another time. Wait for me till then,” he spoke with a voice that was no longer high-pitched and childlike, but deep and dark. He was only looking at Naruto, piercing through him with his eyes, picking him apart to find even his most hidden vulnerability. His only visible eye changed and revealed the man’s identity. 

Another Uchiha, but who could he be?

But before he could ask, the masked man was gone, disappearing right in front of their eyes along with his companion.

* * *

  
  
  


Rain seeped into his coat and wet his hair. It made him heavier, slower and all the more desperate. The taut seams that were holding him together were ripping apart one by one, opening big clefts that could not be bridged. 

There was not even a little sign of Sasuke, just the havocked battlefield he had left behind. 

Naruto walked up to the Uchiha clan emblem that covered a broken off wall and touched the upper part of the fan, gliding his hand across the rough surface. He took a step closer and leaned his forehead on the wall, trying his hardest to keep the sobs in. With a frustrated growl, Naruto started to punch the wall again and again, until his knuckles started to bleed. 

He felt a hand grab his shoulder to stop him, but he shook it off. His knees grew weak and he was almost falling to his knees, the only thing keeping him standing was his pride. It had all been for nothing.

Naruto stumbled back and turned his back to the Uchiha emblem, turning his face upward to the weeping sky, allowing it to wash away his silent tears, “Why can’t I ever reach you, Sasuke?” Naruto whispered, defeat weighing him down. He felt Sakura’s presence next to him, felt how her arms pulled him into an embrace, but he could not find any comfort in her touch. He had become a stranger to them all. 

His home was long gone.

* * *

  
  
  


Naruto didn’t want to return to Konoha, not at all, but he had no choice. He was bound to that village by blood and oath. They would never let him walk free. He was as much a part of Konoha’s weaponry as the thousands of shuriken stored away somewhere in a dungeon, only worth much more and, therefore, all the more indispensable. 

But here he stood in front of the Konoha Gate, heart heavy and unwilling to enter. He went straight to his apartment, letting the rest of his team go to the tower to report back to Tsunade. There was nothing to tell her, nothing that concerned any of them. 

Back home, he locked all his windows and his door, closed all his curtains and when he was sure that his apartment was closed off from the outside world, he stripped down and went straight to his shower. He quickly washed himself and put on a t-shirt and shorts to sleep in. Grabbing a glass from the kitchen, he poured some water into it and gulped it down in one swallow. Then he retired to his bed and let his thoughts run wild. 

Naruto turned to his side and watched his door, holding his blanket in a vice tight grip. With his other hand, he reached for the shuriken under his pillow. His body was still tense even after his warm shower, he just couldn’t bring himself to relax his muscles. He didn’t dare move and kept his position, waiting until his eyes grew heavy enough to close, until he was so tired that he had no other option than to fall asleep. It was painful and took much time, but it was the only way he knew how to fall asleep now.

Soon his eyes began to sting and his thoughts lost their sharp edge, he was starting to lose control of his mind and he began to wonder how Sasuke was fairing now that he had fulfilled his lifelong dream of killing his brother. Was he in pain? Was he confused? Alone? Did he regret it?

He clenched his eyes shut.

What will you do now, Sasuke?

* * *

  
  
  


Knowledge was an enlightening thing to have. It explained so many of his questions, so many things that he had written off as his own delusions made sense now. Knowledge was also painful, digging at festering wounds without allowing any reprieve or excuses. But most importantly, Sasuke thought, knowledge meant  _ power.  _ And he had been denied that power ever since he was born, kept ignorant and weak, susceptible to any kind of manipulation. And he had always been manipulated, by his brother, by Konoha, by Orochimaru and now Madara was trying to do the same, sitting opposite of him and offering him power, wealth, all just for him to put on the Akatsuki robe.

“Give me a week and I will offer you an answer,” Sasuke finally replied to Madara’s offer. “A week for me to clear my mind. You must understand that all these revelations have left me quite befuddled.”

Madara leaned back into his chair and clasped his hands together, arms stiff and tense. “Of course, I will await you in a week’s time. However, do not forget to deliver your answer personally,”

“Of course,” Sasuke stood up and signalled team Taka to follow him out. He left the hideout without encountering anyone on his way and disappeared into the darkness of the forest. 

* * *

  
  
  


“Why are we headed south? What is your plan now, Sasuke?” Karin was glaring at him, although without any real animosity. She was angry, but her anger was always quick to extinguish. Never potent enough to pose any real threat to the workings of their team. “You have to tell us. You have to let us in on your goals. You can’t expect us to follow you blindly!”

Sasuke stopped in his tracks and sighed, turning around to face her. “When I know what I will do, I will tell all of you. What I need right now is as much information as I can get. I need to know everything. Every single detail about what Konoha did to my family. The names of everybody who was involved, who knew beforehand and afterwards and kept it hidden from me. When I know everything, I will decide,” he turned his back on her and jumped to the next branch. “Have I made myself clear?”

“Yes,” Karin said at first, then she huffed at him. “You still haven’t told us where we are going!”

“To Konoha,” he replied, face contorted with resentment.

Karin kept quite and a heavy silence settled over them.

* * *

  
  
  


They took residence in a neighbouring town, keeping a low profile now that they were so close to Konoha. There was still no concrete information out there about his new team members, which afforded him a little leeway. 

Sasuke waited for nightfall and told his team not to follow him. He took the same way into the village as he did the night he brought Naruto home. He went unnoticed, deadly silent and fast as lightning. 

Like in any other village, Konoha had its districts that were filled with the poor, the outcasts and Naruto resided in one of them, in a small apartment with a small bedroom, a kitchen and a bathroom and nothing more. It was an apartment complex that barely afforded any privacy or any real space between neighbours. It was just building next to building, wall to wall and window to window. Everything was rundown and crumbling. 

Sasuke walked to Naruto’s apartment and knocked, taking a step back. He knew better than to barge in in the dead of the night while he was probably lying in his bed. That would have only caused harm and prolonged what he had come here for.

Light steps could be heard across the door, but more than a minute passed before the door was opened and Sasuke was allowed inside. Naruto, clad in nothing but a t-shirt and shorts, had turned his back to him and walked further into his apartment. The silence that followed was unnerving and felt unnatural to him. It was not what he had expected to find here.

Naruto walked into his bedroom and leaned against a wall, face tilted down and obscured in dark shadows and arms crossed over his chest. Sasuke approached him slowly and stood still a mere metre away from him. And just as slowly, he raised his hand and touched Naruto’s neck, pushing his chin up with his thumb. His eyes focused on the nape of his throat and he recalled the vicious bruising that had once marred his skin there. 

Naruto furrowed his brows and stared at him, confused and bewildered. “Why are you here? What does this mean?”

Finally, the silence was broken. Sasuke took a step back and walked to the window, letting his gaze wander over Konoha. He clenched his fists and relaxed them again, turning his eyes away from the village and back to Naruto. 

“I need your help,” Sasuke stared at him, waiting for his reaction. “And you seem to need mine.”

Naruto snorted, half in shock and half in amusement. He pushed himself off the wall and came close to him, standing next to him. “What has happened to you? Everytime I see you, you seem to have changed even more. I don’t know where to place you. I know so little and yet so much about you. So tell me, what has happened?” Naruto’s hand laid right next to his on the window bench, he felt the heat of it, but there was no actual touch. Then his hand brushed against his. “Just tell me the truth.”

At these words, Sasuke couldn’t keep the scowl off his face. “The truth is that everything we know is a lie, Naruto. Everything has been obscured, morphed into something else, something that is meant to keep us loyal and obedient. Something that makes you take pride in your bondage and too blinded to ask the right questions.”

Naruto took his hand away and turned his body towards him, jaw set in anger and eyes narrowed, but there was something searching in his burning gaze that betrayed him and revealed the doubt that must have been festering within him. “I’m not as blind as you think, jerk, just because I don’t go off and run away doesn’t mean that I don’t have any thoughts of my own.”

“So you just remain silent, complete their missions and think about the things that don’t sit right with you? How is that enough? Why do you never allow yourself to be angry at the injustice you’ve faced because of the very village you have sworn to protect when you were barely old enough to read?”

“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to explode and let the Kyuubi take free reigns? Do you want me to finish what Orochimaru tried to do all those years ago? What use has my anger? What use has my hatred? I don’t want any of them. It just makes me tired these days.” Naruto sighed, lips quivering. His eyes were impossibly bright in that moment, their blue intense, “I want peace and nothing else. I’m sick of losing people to the battlefield, tired of seeing people suffer for the greed of others! I have been fighting all my life and, at the beginning, I wanted to, but now I am only forced to. I will never be free, Sasuke, I’m the most lethal weapon of our world, there will always be Kages or lords out there who will want that power for themselves. That’s why I will never know peace, not if this system is not changed.”

Sasuke took Naruto’s clenched hand in his and opened his fist, letting his thumb glide over his palm. “So what do you do then? Suffer in silence and hope for the best? How will you change the system, when you play by their rules?”

“What do you want me to do?” Naruto finally replied, refusing to look him in the eyes, focused on their hands.

“I want you to gather information for me… and for yourself. I know you are close to the Fifth Hokage, I know that she trusts you fully and I want you to use that and find out everything about a certain mission.” 

“You want me to spy for you? Have you gone crazy?” Naruto slapped his hand away and took a step back, glaring at him, clearly bewildered by his request.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I want. Konoha has not only betrayed you, it has also betrayed me, my family and my brother.”

“What do you mean by that?” He asked, voice confused and not as angry as before. 

“Itachi was ordered by Danzo, a high ranking ninja who rules over the ANBU, and the village elders to kill off the whole Uchiha clan, all the women, all the children except for me, while your dear third Hokage watched and did nothing to stop them.” It hurt to tell the truth, to reveal the depth of the betrayal he had suffered, but it had to be done.

“But why-why would they do something like that?”

“Ever since the attack of the Kyuubi, tensions were high in the village and soon the Uchiha clan was suspected to have planned it to overthrow the Hokage. Our Sharingan, as you know, has the ability to control the Kyuubi and that automatically made us targets for their mistrust. They had already pushed us to the borders of the village out of fear and suspicion, had already delegated us as far away from the Hokage tower as possible. We were outcasts and losing more and more of our previous standing within the village. That’s why my family had planned a coup d’etat, but they didn’t know that they had a double agent within their own ranks: my brother. Danzo and his puppets soon learned of this and made Itachi an ultimatum: either they would enact the genocide of my family on their own or Itachi would kill his own kin, sparing only my life and that was what my brother chose. Me over the village, but the village over any other Uchiha.”

Naruto stumbled back and his legs hit the bed frame. He sat down and stared up at him, riddled with nausea. No words left his mouth, he simply remained silent and kept staring at him, still processing what had just been revealed. 

Sasuke carefully watched him and tried to gauge how he would react, but he couldn’t really tell. Either Naruto believed him or he did not, either way, Sasuke knew that he would do anything now to find out the truth and that’s exactly what he wanted, he only had to push him some more.

“The village also hurt you. They knew how you were treated, how you still are and they never intervened. They left you alone to deal with it all on your own, but aren’t you just as much a citizen as the villagers? Don’t you deserve the same protection as they do? You never received it and now that you are finally useful, you have become important to them. You always had to prove yourself first, show how much of a useful and loyal ninja you are, before you earned their friendship, is this not the truth?”

“Stop it!” Naruto screamed, hands buried in his blond hair. “Just stop!”

“You know, after that night, when I had lost everything, I was completely delirious and lost. I just couldn’t understand what had happened, I didn’t want to, because I had always adored my brother, I always just wanted to spend time with him. I loved him and I forced myself to turn all that love into hatred. When I woke up, I was in the hospital and stayed not even for a month, then I was discharged and left to my own devices. I returned to my home and as I walked through the district with no one there to greet me, with only silence and empty space to accompany me through the streets, I finally understood just what had happened. They had cleaned the district as much as they could, but not every blood stain can be removed. Some just stay and become darker and fade as time passes. And soon I truly realized that I was the only one that survived that night and that was their mistake.”

Sasuke walked up to Naruto and kneeled down in front of him, so that their faces were on the same level. He grabbed his hands and detangled them from his hair, letting them rest on the bed. “The very first thing I wanted to do after I knew the truth was to braze down Konoha and destroy it for what it has done to my family,” he whispered into his ear.

Naruto’s eyes widened and a wounded gasp escaped him. “You can’t! You can’t do that! Sasuke, please, see reason!”

“Calm down, Naruto, I still haven’t made my final decision, not before I know the whole story. You village is safe from me for the time being. The ones I truly want to kill are Danzo and the Elders. And you cannot tell me that they don’t deserve that. They did not hesitate before ordering the massacre of dozens and I will not hesitate as well.”

“So you want me to find out information so you can decide whether to just kill those three or everyone who lives here? Have you gone insane?”

“I might have. I found out that everything I knew to be true was just a lie,  _ everything.  _ Right after I killed my own brother and now I wonder if I would have still killed him, had I known beforehand. I wonder and I don’t know the answer, Naruto. Do you think I would have left him alive?”

Naruto was left speechless. A few minutes passed and the silence persisted. Sasuke didn’t know what it was that made him so upfront with him, what urged him to speak and make him understand. He never really cared what others thought of him, never paid them any mind, but with Naruto, he wanted to be understood. Sasuke didn’t know who else could. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. 

A hand gently cupped his face and he sharply drew in air, not at all expecting Naruto to react like this. Sasuke grit his teeth and tried to keep control over his face, his body. It had been such a long time that he had not been touched with tenderness. So many years gone by without the comfort of a simple touch. It felt alien to him, he knew not how to react so he just stared at him, feeling awfully exposed.

“What has this world done to you, Sasuke? So much anger, so much hatred and so much pain. Can you even feel anything else? Do you even allow yourself to?” Naruto whispered, touching their foreheads together. “Will you ever stop seeing our bond as nothing but a hindrance, a distraction?”

Sasuke said nothing, eyes closed, and felt nothing but the warm brush of air that Naruto exhaled, the heat of his skin against his forehead, the citrusy smell of him. It all washed over him and dulled him into a state of mind that was almost  _ serene. _ He opened his eyes to look into Naruto's. Blue as the sky and bright as the sun. A sudden ache grew within him, pulling at him and leaving him empty, yearning for something he could not yet name. 

"What is it about you that I just can't let go?" He whispered, giving voice to his inner turmoil. This was the night of truth, of laying bare what they had hidden away all their lives, fearful of exposure, of rejection. "I wanted to forget you and, after all these years apart, I still never could."

"I never could either. You saved me countless times when we were still in team 7. You were ready to die for me and give up your goal, just for me. How could I ever let you go? We share so many memories, the bad and the good. It connects us, Sasuke. We are bound to each other. You know, I always used to look up to you, even when I was envious and angry. I always only wanted to be in your orbit. For us to be friends. I always thought that if there was anyone out there who could understand me that it would be you. Of course I can't give up on you." Naruto caressed his face, fingers brushing over his brows down the line of his cheekbone. His hand came to rest on his neck, softly kneading his flesh. 

A quit  _ why  _ was all he could press past his lips.

"I… I just need you. I don't know why, but with you I feel safe."

A shuddering breath left his mouth and he drew away from him, but before he could give any other sign of weakness, he stood up and took a few steps back. Naruto followed his movements with pained eyes, he cast his face down and sighed. 

“There is something I must ask you, Naruto,” Sasuke began, carefully watching him. “Have you confided someone in about what happened to you that night?”

Naruto flinched at his words and climbed further onto the bed, drawing his knees to his chest and slinging his arms around his legs. “No and I never will. No one has to know.”

Sasuke’s face became thoughtful. “And how have you been dealing with it?”

“I don’t- I don’t think about it. I never do.” Naruto’s voice was muffled by his arm, face hidden and buried in his arms. “But I feel- sometimes I feel like someone is touching me, like I’m being watched.”

“Are you afraid?” Sasuke spoke softly. His eyes were burning and he felt as his Sharingan activated. 

“Yes, constantly. If only I knew-,” he didn’t finish his sentence. 

Sasuke waited a few seconds but nothing came. He wished he could see Naruto’s face. “If only you knew what?”

“Who it was…” Naruto muttered. “I only know one thing.”

Sasuke approached him once again, loudly so that he would not surprise Naruto, and placed his hand at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, putting the slightest amount of pressure against his skin, so that he may raise his head. When he finally could, he stared into his eyes. “What do you know?” 

Now that his fingers were so close to Naruto’s carotid artery, he felt the heightened pulsation of it. He also saw the cold sweat on his forehead and heard him take shallow and quick breaths. So he waited, hand still on Naruto’s neck, and watched him, giving him time to calm down. 

Naruto stared at him, he seemed conflicted, still undecided whether to share what he knew or to keep it to himself. His eyes darted around the room and Sasuke could smell the fear of him in the stale air. A few more seconds passed and still, he remained silent. 

“I don’t know how but even before the fight started, before I could see him, I lost my vision. I was completely blind and I felt as if I stood on uneven ground, unable to find any balance. It was terrible, to be stuck in the darkness without any sense of equilibrium. Still I fought as well as I could, but I could not see him nor feel his chakra, I was completely lost, then I was… defeated in a way I’ve never been before, without any honor, without any  _ dignity. _ But before- before he tied my arms up, I tried to aim for his eyes, but my fingers landed on his forehead protector and I felt the leaf symbol of our village. It was a Konoha-nin and he still works here, still lives somewhere in this village and I’m afraid, Sasuke, I have never known a fear like this.”

Tears slided down Naruto’s face, his eyes were vacant and his face wore no expression, he was miles away in his head, gone to somewhere dark and cold. “I will never know who it was. I will always have to wonder, whenever I speak to a ninja I don’t know:  _ Was it you?  _ And I will never have an answer. I don’t know who to hate, who I can direct all my anger at. I want to kill him, I want him to suffer like I did, but he never will. And I hate him for turning me into this weak and hateful thing. I was not supposed to be like this.”

It tore at his very soul to see Naruto so conflicted, so in pain. Sasuke wanted to look away, to spare himself, he wanted it so much, but he could not, because he was Naruto’s only confidante, just as he was his. 

“What will you do now?” Sasuke said, keeping his voice low and gentle. It felt alien to him to tread so careful upon a conversation, to watch his tone, to control his face and body not for his own sake, but for another.

“I will help you. I’ll find out anything I can about your past, about the true history of this village. Just promise that you won’t act rashly. Promise me that you won’t lose yourself anymore in your quest for revenge.”

Sasuke swallowed audilly and stood up, face grown cold and masked once again. “Fine,” he hissed. “You have a week before I’m gone.”

Sasuke turned around and went to the door, hand already on the handle. He didn’t push it down yet, he hesitated and turned his head back to Naruto, who was watching him with wide eyes, surprised and hurt by his sudden departure. “You will fail, if you keep this up. It will consume you and take over.”

“What do you mean?” Naruto spat back at him.

“No matter how hard you try to forget it, to ignore it, it will catch up to you. You have to face what happened to you or else it will take even more of you. That’s what I will help you with in exchange for your… espionage.”

And with these final words, Sasuke opened the door and vanished from the village.

* * *

  
  
  


Sasuke returned to Naruto the next night, leaving his current residence with the worried gazes of team Taka following him as he left them behind again. He moved even faster than the night before, impatient and antsy. The uncertainty and passivity of this week would surely make him go mad with unrest and thirst for action. 

Once again, Sasuke stood before Naruto’s apartment in the dead of the night and waited a few seconds before he knocked. The door was abruptly opened and Naruto stepped to the side, allowing him to enter and closing the door behind him. Sasuke watched him with narrowed eyes, taking in the nervous energy he was exuding with his shaking hands and moving eyes. Maybe he had already found something out. 

Sasuke took off his cloak and threw it over a chair, never once taking his eyes off Naruto. “Do you have information for me?”

Naruto narrowed his eyes and took a step away from him to the window, leaning against the windowsill. He turned around and stared off into the distance. Sasuke walked up to him and stood still next to him, but unlike Naruto, he was not looking out of the window but rather at him. There was so much tension in Naruto, every movement he made was strained and off center and his eyes never once rested on one place, darting around and searching every corner for possible danger. So much paranoia where once had been willpower and ambition. 

Sasuke breathed out loudly and turned his gaze to Konoha for a moment before he fixed it on Naruto’s hand. He brushed against it with his small finger and then took it into his, his hold tight but not painful. Naruto sighed and turned around to face him.

“I found the official documents about the Uchiha massacre,” Naruto said, his face pensive and grave.

“What does it say?”

“That Itachi single handedly killed off his clan and deserted Konoha to join Akatsuki. That he did it for power and that he only left one alive. There is nothing about a coup, nothing on Danzo. There is nothing but what you had believed to be the truth.”

“Just like I expected. Did you bring it with you? I mean, the document.”

“Yes, I have it with me, I will return it to its place tomorrow.” Naruto moved to his night stand and opened a drawer. He returned with a bundle of paper and gave it to him. “I hope you will find what you’re looking for.”

Sasuke didn’t reply and sat down at the edge of Naruto’s bed and hunched over the document. He devoured it word for word, rereading entire passages just to make sure that nothing could escape his mind. He was so highly concentrated that he only noticed Naruto’s absence after half an hour passed, he abruptly stood up and let his eyes wander around the room. After a few seconds passed and his senses ceased to be dulled by an inner panic he didn’t want to acknowledge, he became aware of the sound of someone showering and fell back to his place at the bed. A sigh escaped him as he returned his focus on the document, combing through the bundle of paper, desperate and hopeful. That was always a disastrous combination for him, but his situation allowed nothing else. He needed to to find something, just an indication, a clue to make certain that he had chosen the right path. 

Sasuke shut his eyes close and massaged his temples, the tension that pulled at the skin of his forehead made his head ache with a mean viciousness. He laid the paper back on the ground and stretched his back, allowing a groan to pass his mouth and just as he turned to the side to crack his stiff joints, he saw Naruto step out of the bathroom. 

His blonde hair was wet and dark, matted against his forehead and single droplets of water were falling from it, sliding down his tan, soft skin. Sasuke’s chest grew tight and his breath hitched just for one short second as he watched Naruto dry his hair with a towel. He quickly averted his eyes and forced himself to concentrate on the paper in front of him. It was harder than it should be, it was difficult to resist the desire to lift his head and take in Naruto once again, to watch him as freely as he had done for years, but that was then and _now,_ now everything had changed, Naruto was changing. Sasuke clenched his hands and grit his teeth. He allowed himself one last look at him and forced himself to remember the vicious wounds that he had treated, the pain and suffering of that night. 

It was shameful, to feel this pull when Naruto trusted him enough to be vulnerable with him, trusted him enough to lay himself bare. It was shameful and it made him feel  _ guilty.  _ He had promised Naruto that he was safe with him,  _ from  _ him and that was a promise he would keep, one that he could never break, not again,  _ never  _ again. He had done many shameful deeds in his quest for power. He had lashed out at the one person that tied him to the present and gave his life meaning beyond revenge and pain. He had stood by a man sick and perverted enough to torture and enslave hundreds and allowed himself to be trained by him. He had killed his own brother. 

There were many misdeeds in his short life, many things that kept him up at night and the only way he knew how to deal with this overwhelming guilt was to refuse to feel it. He denied the remorse, he denied the depravity behind it and found excuse after excuse. Sasuke knew that he was toeing the line of no return. His next actions would decide if he will ever be able to redeem himself, not to the village, not to those who have lied to him, not to those who have only seen his name and nothing else, but only to Naruto. His one and only friend.

“Did you find something? Or is it as useless as I think it is?” Naruto sat down in front of him, on the floor and smiled at him, it was not as bright as Sasuke remembered, but it was better than nothing. “What use could there be in documenting something that could threaten their position?”

“I expect no direct proof, I’m looking for inconsistencies, details that don’t add up, just something to confirm what I’ve been told.” Sasuke was still fixated on the documents and never once looked up at him.

“Well, you never told me who was behind this big reveal. I bet it was the Uchiha who found you, the man with the orange mask,” Naruto spoke with a calm tone, but Sasuke could hear the anger as he mentioned Madara. “Had it not been for him, I would have been the one who found you after your fight.”

Sasuke pushed the paper bundle to the side and lifted his head to stare at Naruto. “And I would have never found out. But, Naruto, you must know this. Even if I had never learned about Konoha’s betrayal, I would have never returned to this village. It’s too painful, I have never felt free here, it ceased to be my home the moment I buried my family. Had your team been the one to find, it would not have changed anything.”

“And if I had been the been the one to reach you first, just me and no one else? What would have happened then?” Naruto came closer to him, his face only a few inches away from his, he felt Naruto exhale on his skin, a warm brush of air. His eyes shone, there was something mistful about him now, almost hopeful. “Maybe I would have never taken you back to Konoha, maybe we would have gone far away from this village, from this world full of conflict and pain.”

Sasuke waited a few seconds and contemplated what had been said. His hand came to rest on Naruto’s face as he uttered his next words.

“I guess we will never find out.”

Naruto leaned away from him, withdrawing into himself, and Sasuke continued to study the document for the rest of the night. The silence between them was not interrupted once that night, it lied between them, heavy and dense, veiling and obstructing one from the other. 

* * *

  
  
  


Dread settled over Naruto whenever his thoughts drifted off to the upcoming night. It was the last one before Sasuke would leave him and set out into the world again, chasing after revenge, after a purpose strong enough to make sense of his pain. Oh, what he wouldn’t give for a few nights more, for just one more time to sit down and talk with him, but it was inevitable, nothing could hold Sasuke back, nothing could bind him strongly enough for him to remain at one place. He was always on the move, always striving for something. 

Naruto watched as the sun slowly set at his window and dreaded every second that passed. He didn’t know how he was supposed to let Sasuke go tonight, how he could survive watching him turn his back to him and leave again. Surely, it would destroy him even further. 

The sky turned dark and soon only the moon and stars shed what little light they could spare for him. Naruto despised the dark, he hated it, how it stole his vision and made him stumble, concealing dangers, while also luring them away from their hideouts out into the open. He went to his bed, carefully lied down and turned on the lamp on his night stand, allowing the light to soothe his frayed nerves. 

On his bed, he waited and waited some more, his thoughts were running in cycles, always returning to same starting line that set his mind off running in a doomed attempt to escape it. A memory repeated over and over, it had to be a sickness, an infection that found its way into his blood and ran amok in his body, infiltrating every inch of him and taking away his chance at recovery. His body was destroying everything in its path to rid itself of the invader. It didn’t know that the foreign body had already integrated itself into his very DNA, taking over everything and changing the very structure of his cells. But Naruto knew it, he felt it every second, the stranger that had invaded him and lived under his skin, trying to break free from him. 

Naruto sighed and shut his eyes, refusing to follow this train of thoughts any longer. It just made him afraid, even of himself,  _ especially  _ of himself. When had he become so morbid? So resigned to the terror in his life? He knew the answer, but he refused to even think it. 

A few more minutes passed before someone knocked on his door. Sasuke had finally returned, no one else came to his door at such a late hour. Naruto stood up from his bed and went to the front door, looking through the spyhole to be safe and opening the locks one by one. He opened the door by an inch and went back into his apartment, knowing that Sasuke would follow him. 

As always. Sasuke took off his cloak and threw it over the chair on the kitchen table, before he approached the bed and settled on it, his eyes already fixed on him. He beckoned Naruto over with his hand, his body lax for once. Naruto thought that Sasuke looked at home, here with him, like he belonged right next to him. He also thought that he had always been prone to wishful thinking. A snort escaped him.

Slowly, he stepped towards Sasuke and took a chair with him, placing it in front of him. Sitting across from Sasuke, Naruto allowed himself to take in his friend’s appearance. There was still that mad haze around his eyes, still such painful tension in his muscles. The closer he looked, the more he realized how wrong he had been to think that Sasuke belonged here. He was not meant to remain in this village. There was no way for him to find peace here. Naruto sighed and dropped his gaze to the floor. Then why had he come here? Why waste his time every night just to spend time with him? He had not been able to gain much from their alliance, not much had been found out. So why was he still here?

“Why did you come to me?” Naruto finally asked, his eyes still averted, not trusting himself to be able to say those words while watching Sasuke’s face. He heard his loud and prolonged exhale and finally dared to look up. “You could have done this all on your own.”

“Well, you did make it easier for me to gain what information we got,” Sasuke replied coolly. 

Was he being avoidant? Naruto honestly couldn’t tell. He decided to let the topic rest and turned his attention to something else. 

“What is your plan now? Are you satisfied or do you need to learn more?”

Sasuke tilted down his head and closed his eyes for a moment. He stood up and went to the window, showing only his back to Naruto. He kept silent.

“What will you do, Sasuke?” Naruto’s voice had become urgent,  _ desperate. _ He was worried, scared even of the answer, of silence. He remained at his place, his body felt too strange with sick anticipation to stand up. He just watched Sasuke, taking in the way the moonlight was illuminating the edges of his face. The shadows made such a stark contrast to the milky paleness of his skin. It made his profile appear even more angular. It was painful to admit just how beautiful Sasuke was, bathed in the white, dim light. It was painful to admit to himself how much he yearned to have Sasuke stay with him.

Naruto had always felt the need to touch him and had only found such opportunities in their endless fights and those rare precious moments of camaraderie. That same desire took hold of him, but now there was too much shame and fear in him, it kept him far away from Sasuke. He was afraid of his own feelings, of their depth, of their very nature. He should not feel this way, not after what had happened to him. He couldn’t allow himself to fall that deep. It was the kind of vulnerability that was forbidden to him now.

“I will leave tonight and go north to meet up with Madara.”

Naruto dropped his head and palmed his face, rubbing the skin of his temples. “Will you join Akatsuki, Sasuke?” 

Sasuke didn’t say anything, he just turned his face away.

“Well, if yes, I hope you will be the one to hunt me down. I guess there are worse fates than to die by your hand,” Naruto whispered, eyes blank and focusing on nothing at all. Just imagining Sasuke in the robes of the Akatsuki hurt him deep in his soul. This kind of pain was a knife twisting in the flesh of his back, torturous and out of reach for him. “Maybe you will even be allowed to watch as all my chakra is slowly being drained out of me.”

In his delirium, he didn’t notice Sasuke approach him, until he was grabbed by his shoulder and pushed onto the back of the chair, forcing them to come face to face. 

“I will not kill you, Naruto. I could not do it then and I cannot now. I never will,” Sasuke confessed, brows knit tight and eyes ablaze with resolution. His gaze was intense, it was difficult to endure. To be the focus of so much determination, so much fervor by none other than Sasuke, it was thrilling and frightening at the same time. “I will only use him like he intended to use me. I need to find out what he is planning. He is dangerous, unpredictable and much too powerful to just ignore him. He was the one who set the target on you, I will do anything to remove it. He will not have you, I won’t allow it.”

A wounded gasp escaped him before he could suppress it. “Why do you want to protect me, Sasuke? What has changed? I chased after you for years and all you ever gave me in return was rejection and denial. Why are you here?” He began in a whisper, but it ended up a scream, a rageful shout. He just could not simply trust that declaration of devotion, he felt played with, like Sasuke was toying with him. It was simply too good to be true. 

Sasuke drew away from him and palmed his face, letting his hand glide down his skin. His face showed resignation and… relief. “Because I’m lost, so very lost and there is no other light to guide me out of this gruesome maze than you. I am adrift and entirely out of touch with this world, I only live in the past and you ground me in the present and make me think of the future.”

Tears welled up in his eyes and he did nothing to keep them at bay. He smiled ruefully at Sasuke and leaned back into the chair, tilting his head up to direct his gaze on him. “I have always tried to live in the future, I tried to never look back and you refused to look forward, until now. Is this what you’re telling me? That you want me to make you see a future worth living? Something else than raging a never ending battle against the whole world?”

“Yes,” Sasuke hissed, burning with yearning. 

“Do you want to come to rest?”

“Yes,” Sasuke whispered, gliding down to his knees and settling his arms on Naruto’s legs, taking his hands into his. “Let me come to rest. Let me find peace with you.”

“Oh, but Sasuke, you cannot forget who I am. There is no peace to be had with me. They will not allow it. Not only Akatsuki will hunt me down, but also everybody else.”

“Let them try. They won’t find us, they will never take you from me.”

“No one but you ever did. What if you wake up one day and decide that such a way of life is not enough for you, that you want to your revenge instead, what will you do then? Leave me alone once again?”

No answer came, so he pressed on without holding anything back.

“What about Danzo? Will you be able to let him go unpunished after what he did?”

“No,” Sasuke admitted through clenched teeth. He was already teeming with rage. It took so little to set him off. 

“I thought so too.” Naruto turned away from him and shook his head lightly. “You are so full of fury, you always have been. How will you be able to let go?”

Long seconds passed and Sasuke did not move at all, he just stood there right in front of him, staring down at him with an unreadable expression. He took one step forward.

“Danzo’s and the elders’ lifes will be enough to quell my thirst for revenge. I have to kill them, I cannot allow them to die any other way. As for the rest of Konoha’s people, I will show them mercy, but only if you leave this village with me and never come back. They don’t deserve you or your loyalty, they never did.”

Naruto closed his eyes. “And you do?,” he bit out.

“I wish to earn it, just as I wish to earn back your trust in me.” Sasuke grabbed his shoulder and tightened his hold for a second. 

“Do you realize what you are asking of me? You want me to leave behind everyone I know, to forsake my dream of becoming Hokage and betray every promise I’ve ever made, just so you can have me at your side.” He latched onto the hand on his shoulder and stared at Sasuke, his despair laid bare and free for him to see.

Sasuke simply nodded, returning his stare with the same intensity, the same desperation. It was almost too much. But only almost, because whatever Sasuke gave to him, Naruto only wanted more and more. It was never enough, even as the storm that Sasuke raged threatened to overwhelm him, he could only spread his arms wide to welcome it and take it all in. There could only be one answer to his bid.

Naruto pulled Sasuke down towards him and palmed his face, touching their foreheads together. “Yes,” he declared.

“You’ll come with me?” Sasuke said so softly, so unlike himself, in disbelief and shock.

“Yes, I’ll come with you. Let’s leave this place behind. Let’s do it tonight.”


End file.
